Absent Memory (Mass Effect FanFic)
by keelahbitch
Summary: Post Reaper War. James had the chance to tell Shepard the way he felt about her, but he never took it. But after he and the rest of the crew find her in a horrible state, he may never get the chance ever again. Will all this information be too much for Shepard?
1. Prologue

Prologue. The last time James had spoken with Shepard was when he was getting himself and a few others ready for war. James at the time was too nervous to call her Lola, a nickname he had given her when Shepard reminded her of a friends sister. Tough and hot, he recalled. "What? No Lola?", She had asked, a small smile on her full red lips, worry etched on her face. James couldn't always help but notice Shepard biting her lower lip, she always seemed to do that when she was lost in thought or nervous, driving James wild. Before Shepard left he grabbed her arm, holding her back. Shepard's green eyes landed on his hold on her, "Hey, good luck out there, Lola.", He sighed, not being man enough to express how he really felt about her. Shepard smiled, half-heartedly mouthing a "Thanks.", her eyes landing on the concrete. He swore to himself that he had seen something sparkle in the corner of her eyes, but she had pulled her arm away harshly, facing away from him. "Good luck to you aswell, Lieutenant.". James thought he had said something wrong or maybe he didnt say anything at all. Anything he needed to get off his chest. He regrets not being able to tell her.

Seeing her run towards beam on her own made him worry, making all these thoughts run into his head. Questions swarmed around in his mind that, after the destruction of the reapers, were finally answered. She had died. He growled in anger and punched the nearest wall. "Hey, we just fixed the Normandy!", Kaidan's voice echoed through the CIC. James turned his head to look at him, Kaidan had a tired face, dirty and still friendly looking even after all we've been through. James understood that Kaidan was just trying to lighten up the mood but it didnt work.

"We miss her too.", Was all Kaidan uttered after that, giving James a pat on the back.

"No, you dont understand.", James muttered, shaking his hand off. "No one understands."

"We've had enough of your bullshit attitude, James. Youre not the only one whos taking her death hard! Joker? Yeah, he hasnt slept in a long ass time, he keeps muttering that he could have saved her, putting the blame on himself! I hate to break it to you, James, but some of us have it worse than you, so you can just stop being a little bitch about it and help us get this thing off the ground and back to earth.", Kaidan ranted, trying to slow his breathing.

"You're calling me a little bitch? Take a long look in the mirror, I'm not the one who made a big ass deal about Shepard joining Cerberus, and I'm sure as hell I wouldnt cry about it to the Alliance, pendejo.", James countered, his hands balling up into a fist at his sides. Getting ready to tackle him once he saw that Kaidan's biotics were forming around his hands.

"Enough!", Garrus shouted, coming between them, pushing them apart. He turned to Vega and pointed at him, "You will cut the attitude, if you want to take her death off your mind then you can start by helping. And you-" Garrus said turning to face Alenko "-Dont give him crap by the way he's dealing with it, everyone copes with it their own way. Got it?"

They both nodded. "Good.", Garrus sighed, eyeing the two soldiers in front of him carefully before giving them the good news. "Joker got the Normandy fully operational, and now comm channels are online. So we'll get everyone settled in, and the ship prepped for departure in an hour or so."

"Guys we're receiving an emergency message over on vid-com, Im patching the message through.", Joker said from the speakers in the CIC.

"Alliance Command to SSV Normandy, come in Normandy.", A rushed women's voice was heard all around. Kaidan was the first to answer.

"This is the Normandy, whats going on?"

"Oh thank goodness you answered, I was beginning to think you werent...Alive."

"Barely didnt make it." James breathed out too low for the Major to hear.

"No, we're good. What's your status? Is everything alright back on earth?"

"Everything is fine, but we found Commander Shepard. She's alive.", James eyes widened, and his breathing sped up. His mind seemed to tune everything else out, not hearing a single word after that. Shepard was alive, his Jane was alive after all this time. He was sure he would be able to tell her how he really felt, what all this time he was hiding from her. He loved her. Still does.

She's alive.


	2. Chapter 1

+James+

I currently sat on the floor of a beat up hospital, in what used be a waiting room. My eyes landed on the each crew member's face, they looked tired with bags under their eyes. Well, the human part of the crew did, not so much as the others. They all had these worried masks, that havent changed since we got to earth, which took a couple of days since the mass relays were destroyed. We've been getting small updates on Lola's health, the doctors constantly check up on as well to see if we might need anything. But the only thing we needed was seeing Shepard, concious or not. I thought about how badly injured she might be, which is probably the reason why the doctors havent let us in. Or theyre trying to reconstruct her again and theyre not telling us, feeding us false information, or maybe she is dead and they just told us this to get us back. I rolled my eyes at the wild thoughts running around in my head. Since we got here, we havent been sleeping properly, and we were all hungry.

A door creaked loudly, catching all of our attention. It was Lola's doctor, Burnham. In a crisp british accent he began, "Good news, the Commander is responding well to stimuli, though a few nerves in her brain were damaged due to the high velocity at which she crashed to Earth. A few broken ribs, a broken arm. If she didnt have all the armor around her torso she wouldnt have made it."

"Can we see her now, or will you make us wait another week?", Joker spoke up immediately after the doc finished. Dr. Burnham looked at all of us hesitantly, then sighed nodding his head. We all got to our feet and hurried on through to other side of the double doors, the doctor shouting us the directions. My heart raced, and got blood pumping quickly through my veins. My legs itching to get there before anyone else did. I knew I was being selfish, but I need to know that she is safe.

I pushed open the door to Shepard's room, revealing a pale woman lying on a shredded bed with a white sheet covering her naked body, and one machine, pumping a clear liquid into her veins. At her side was another man in his white robes, he kept his omni-tool hovered over her body. The other man pressed on something on it and left the room without a word. My eyes fell back on the woman, her breathing slow and steady. Shepard's face was bruised badly, blood had dried up around the long cut that ran from her cheek down to her jaw. Her arm was wrapped tightly in a white cloth, a few dark red spots stained it, and I realized that was her blood. I swallowed hard, eyeing her armor in a pile in the corner. It was only in bits and pieces.

"Keelah.", Tali's small voice echoed throughout the dimly lit room as she stepped forward. No one said anything. I guess the sock hasnt worn off yet. Until Joker stepped forward, EDI following close behind. I would expect all synthetics destroyed along with the Reapers but she seemed okay.

"Hey, Commander. Sorry, about everything. I let Anderson down. I was told to look after you, and I didnt so now youre here barely breathing.", Joker said, sniffling a few times in between.

"Lola, please fight. We need our Commander back.", I spoke up, my voice cracking at the very last. I looked down, focusing on my armor covered feet.

~*~A few weeks later~*~

Little by little London had been improving there was still so much work to be done, but it was getting there. Buildings were getting repaired, it no longer looked like hell. I wonder how the rest of Earth looked. Probably the same. It had been a month and a half since we last saw Shepard, the doctor still kept filling us in, they even moved her to a new building, somewhere less broken down and with more supplies. Until now, everything has been pretty slow. We had heard from the doctor that Shepard's brain activity had been "off the charts", and that she was having REM. Signs that she would wake up any day.

"Oh, this is so exciting!", Liara murmured behind us, a couple of white roses held tightly in her hand, come to think of it maybe I shouldve brought something along too. "Glyph, you have the recordings, right?"

"Of course, Dr. T'Soni." The info drone replied. "I took the liberty of contacting her mother as well."

It took no more than five minutes to reach the room she was in, a grinning Dr. Burnham was at Shepard's side, pressing something on his omni-tool. "If my readings are correct, she should be awakening in about...Now."

His readings were correct because a few seconds later, her eyelids fluttered open, revealing her beautiful green eyes. The bruising near the her eyes and mouth had dissapeared, and now all that remained on her was a few light scars. She sat up abruptly, taking in the view infront of her confusin written on her face. Her bright green eyes looked at the people surrounding her. But when her eyes landed on Kaidan, who was right beside me, she seemed to relax.

"Kaidan?", She called out. The major stepped forwards, with a small smile. Why did she call him? Its not that I was jealous, its just there are people who have been with her from the beginning and not pushing her away because she worked with cerberus. Shepard couldve called Tali, Garrus, or Joker. But instead she called Alenko. Alright, maybe I was a bit jealous. When Kaidan approached her, she reached out to hold his hand, he stayed silent.

"You grew facial hair. How long was I out?".

"A month or so.", Garrus answered for him. Shepard looked behind Alenko for a moment, staring at Garrus, her expression unreadable. Once again her eyes, landed on everyone in the room, but quickly looked up to the Major.

"Where's Williams?"

Williams? As in Ashley Williams, the soldier who took part in helping Shepard take down Saren? The same on who died back on Virmire? I looked around the room, and everyone looked confused, sharing glances, and whispering to one another.

"Commander.", Joker called her, she smiled slightly when Jeff came into view. "Hey, Joker." "What year is this?"

"2183. Why?"

Thats when everything came crashing down on all of us, it scared us to know that Commander Shepard took down Saren, blew up the Collectors, destroyed the Reaper but had no memory of it whatsoever. It felt like starting all over. It might not seem that way to the Major, or Joker but it sure did seem like it for the rest of us. Or at least I think they feel the same way. I bit the inside of my cheek, waiting for someone to speak up but no one uttered a word. It was hard to take in. She didnt know any of us anymore.

She didnt know me.


End file.
